Why Am I Here??

This is the post excerpt.

Hi There!

Well this is all new to me! My Psychologist suggested I should keep a blog… She said with everything that I’ve been through I may get support from other people in similar situations to myself. I am sceptical, however, she thinks its hilarious that I deal with things (after a ‘facade’) with ‘sunshine humour’…. sure she says that to all her patients but hey ho. Lets see if this works!

I have been trying to think of words to describe myself…. seriously.. I even did a spider graph, it just ended up being a page full of colourful doodles. I didn’t succeed, I feel, as words like crazy, mental and loopy all came to mind and with these posts being mainly about my battle with mental health I didn’t think that they were the correct words to use.  I’m a nice person who doesn’t like to offend, love and light and all that jazz. So I thought I’d write a brief few bits about what has effected my life and what I’m up to now.

I am 34 years old. I know. I act like I’m still 18. Apart from the drinking bits, can’t handle the hangovers nowadays. I still think back now, about being that age and getting in at 5am and getting up for work at 6 and actually being functional and coherent. (whether that was in my mind and not viewed that way by others I’m not sure) I mean when did I ever fit in the dreaded ‘hangover poo’?? anyway I digress…

So 34. Live in a cottage with my husband (who is sickingly absolutely fantastic) my son, who’s 12 going on 20, his current obsession is to have a vape, I don’t know if I’m happy he came home and asked me for one (disgusting, however ‘all of his friends have one’ who even are these parents?!) anyway the conversation went from vaping, to CBD oil to what classes different drugs fall into. I did some A class parenting and showed him some pictures of junkies. Probably not the best way to handle that situation but he walked off saying ‘no’ he was ‘never EVER doing drugs EVER!!’ I had a small ‘Nailed it’ moment and considered the way this would be judged by others for a brief moment…. fuck it I thought. I live with my 3 dogs, 2 guinea pigs and tortoise. I currently am hand rearing 3 rescue puppies which equates into not much sleep. I genuinely look like a character from the walking dead crossed with a very fluffy hamster. I run a boarding and rescue centre for dogs with my mother in law. I look after my friends 3yr old little girl 2 days a week. I am a reiki practitioner. I’m studying to be a dog behaviorist (although no study has been done in the last few months. awful i am) and a dog groomer. and I’m currently registering the rescue as ‘charity registered’ which is all-consuming for some crazy reason, todays not a ‘good’ day for me, I started reading the legalities for the commission and it went one ear and out the other so that went in the fuck it pile and I went to bed. So that’s where life is at the moment. I’ll post more details about the above at another time.

So this is where we get down to the nitty gritty.  The past. Before I start if the word ‘muslim’ offends you, you are a douche and I’m sorry, you don’t need to read anymore, however what I say is relevant to what has happened to me and still controls my life to a certain degree now.

When I was 16 and started college I met a muslim boy and fell head over heels in love (definitely not love but I thought it was at the time, his friends called him ‘Romeo’ ffs, should of known better them) he consumed and controlled my life with varying degrees of violence and mental abuse for 11 years. When his parents found out he was with me the sent him to Pakistan and got him married, he was 16 years old. (This was a whole other shit storm which I’ll write about later) We had my son together when I was 21. We had 3 houses that we rented out. My plan was to retire when I was 45. it was ‘the dream’ if you like. Well he shit on that and walked away smelling of roses. I was left virtually bankrupt with a 4 year old and no roof over my head (Que the violins here) Luckily my mum is amazing and took us into her house like the awesome trooper she is (HURRAH!) Now because I am wonderful (!) I allowed him access to my son and he sees him regularly as clockwork, so I can’t actually fault his parenting….. Well yes I could he’s a complete c**t (nasty word reserved for special occasions that one) So there you go! my troubles in one paragraph!

Obviously there is a lot more going on in the above to cause the issues I have but I will snippet that out in the future, obviously if there is anything you would like to hear more about then let me know and I would prioritise that way. I don’t want to sit and raise every demon straight away, reader you would be miserable as sin and so would I.

I suffered bouts of depression after he had left on and off for years. Then December ’16 shit officially hit the fan. I was having nightmares about things that had happened that I had never dealt with and had compartmentalised in my brain, its like my brains letting things leak out now, ‘hey deal with this tonight bitch!’ this involves full on panic attacks in my sleep, when I am out they can happen (great story of how I made a complete cock womble of myself at a wedding on the weekend) my anxiety is through the roof, I’m exhausted all the time, i don’t want to see people, I can’t work currently. It’s certainly a pickle. I was diagnosed with a nervous breakdown… sorry ’emotional breakdown’ I think is the correct term, a cocktail of drugs (In a non party way haha) and PTSD.

That in short-ish is what I am dealing with. I hope by writing about this I can voice myself and be heard and maybe even offer support and be supported, we all know typing on a keyboard is a million times easier than talking to someones face.

Love and Light

J

 

 

 

Author: madalalaland

Just want to heal the world

One thought on “Why Am I Here??”

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