A Moon Who Lost Her Tide.

Growing up I was a bit of an odd ball, an Edd the Duck more than a Gordon the Gopher. Never had much confidence and never really fit in, more so at primary school then at secondary. I can remember never having anyone to play with in the playground and doing anything anybody would ask me, just in hope that they might like me. I hated primary school and was so excited to move to secondary school. I can remember actually being happy on my 1st day, I’m sure most kids never feel like that haha! Secondary School was good! I had the most wonderful group of friends when I was there, had loads of fun and mischief.

My group was close and consisted of people in the year below and year above me. We were heavily into Indie music and Art. I can remember reading an article a few months back saying that as humans we are most influenced by the music we hear between the ages of 13 and 16, I truly believe that. My mom was always into great music, Queen, Rolling Stones, Billy Idol, Bruce Springsteen…. Not going to lie there was some rough choices in there…. Michael Bolton and U2 are the first 2 I think of, but well we all make mistakes and I guess the dull sounds of Bono making your ears bleed are comforting to some. Now I feel guilty. Rattle and Hum was a great album.. just please don’t tell anyone I know. Music continues to play a huge part of my life.

The group I had were insane. I was so blessed to have them through that key part of my youth. The nights we had in the music hall playing instruments, the trips we took with band, which allowed me to go abroad for the 1st time in my life, the nights in the civic hall listening to the up and coming Indie bands (Cast, Kula Shaker, Pulp) were the most memorable fun times of my life. Ever. I wasn’t confident but I was o so very happy, when I look back at photos from that time I see myself, and to me, I look like a totally different person, my eyes twinkle and my smile isn’t forced from the depth of my soul.

I firmly believe that confidence is a born with trait. My mum isn’t an overly confident person and neither am I. I don’t believe dislike for yourself is an innate behaviour though, I believe that’s firmly learnt. I’ve never felt popular or pretty or particularly special… average… thats the way I felt.

When I went to college I met my Ex partner. I was besotted. so besotted. He knew the right things to say, he really did, so much so I surrendered myself fully to him for the next 11 years. In that time I was emotionally and physically abused and it’s only when I look back now I realise he must have saw me coming a mile off. Maybe 5000 miles off, who knows. He spent all my money, inheritance from my family, never allowed me to have a car, I had to leave for work at 530 in the morning to walk to his moms to drop off my son then walk the 8 miles to the train station to get the train to work. I did this again in reverse on the way home. I was getting in at 8pm, bathing and feeding my son, having tea and going to bed to re start this again the next day.  He’d rock up at 1am and expect me to cook his tea and shout if the house wasn’t clean enough for his standard. I was exhausted. I found steroid needles in his drawer, he convinced me I imagined it, I found a ring box wrapped in christmas paper, again, I totally imagined it, He took my son out to a theme park, he’d never done this before, again, my son, who was 3 came home and said he’d been out with ‘daddy and the nice lady’ and you’ve guessed it, I never heard that and was making it up. sigh. what a fool I was. He went on shopping trips, when we had no money, and come back with designer bags full of clothes, He’d locked me in the boot of his car because I’d got upset my son cried because he was sick, he drove me 15 miles from home, regularly, in my pyjamas and made me walk home in the middle of the night….. it goes on and on and onnnnnnn…….

When the relationship finally came to an end, I had a ‘feeling’ something was going on, he kept not coming home, women’s intuition I think, I knew he was staying at one of our other houses. So I put my son in the car at 2am, like a complete raving looney, and drove there and sure enough there were 2 cars on the drive. I rang his phone and could hear it ringing in the house. I drove home. I’d had enough, yet it still took me a long time to escape.

The next day when I saw him and he ignored me again, I asked about it, said ‘I saw your car there’ He actually tried to convince me that I had dreamt it!!! Couldn’t quite believe it.

Theres more to that story but I don’t want to bore you with it. Long story short he left, eventually after a truly horrific last few months.

During this time, when I look back now, I realise how much of myself had been destroyed through this relationship, I was a shell, empty, exhausted. I had no friends I was like a moon who couldn’t be bothered to change the tides. He had destroyed my friendships, every single one of them. I had my Mum and my Nan, that was it.

He’d systematically persuaded me that all the people I had grown up with were awful people. He’d left me with no faith or confidence in my self at all. Destroyed my soul, I’d never felt so awful in my life when I finally opened my eyes and realised what he had actually done.

I spiralled. I went out with friends from work, I went to Dublin just to escape it all for a weekend, I went to more concerts. I thought I was starting to live again, when in fact all I was trying to do was shut off and compartmentalise everything that happened. I shut my son off as I was so ashamed of what he had witnessed. It took me a long time to gather myself and return to being the fabulous mummy that I am. Boom! Hehe.

Unfortunately now all the evil has seeped back out of my brain, bit like the film ‘The Blob’ and I am in the middle of a truly horrific time. It’s difficult to explain to people now, nearly 10 years later, I can’t function properly, I can’t think straight, I panic, I worry, ridiculously worry…. but its nothing that has happened now, it’s my brain opening up and trying to cope with this overwhelming hurt in my sub conscious. The scary thing is, these compartments open when I’m sleeping and the nightmares are horrific, and surprising as these things are things that I’ve forgotten had happened. What freaks me out the most though? I’m balling and screaming like they have just happened. It’s bizarre. And shit!

I retrieved an old friend from school, you’ll be pleased to know and she is my rock. She never judges me and is always there, I feel sometimes she despairs but she has never left my side. While my confidence is horrific she constantly dis allows me to put myself down. Herself, her amazing husband and children are coming for lunch tomorrow and you know, it makes me happy that she was the person that I picked up hahaha! I don’t think any of my other friendships will ever be restored to the level that ours has, I’m too scared to let people in.  Petrified of letting people in. When I met up with another friend with her, the friend said ‘I hated you at school, you were talented and beautiful and everyone  loved you’ My jaw dropped. I was so surprised that I may have been perceived that way to another human, I didn’t know how to react at all. So I chose not to be involved with her, as I didn’t want to feel like I was that person, and I was worried I would let her down when she realised just how shit I really am! Anyway, my friend, I’m blessed to have her, she may think I’m a nut job, hell she is probably correct, but her love is unconditional and for that I’m thankful.

I guess what I’m trying to say to you, if these things have happened, or if they are happening please, please reach out. You can do this. You are worth the stars to someone you really are, and it’s really not the person that’s making you feel small. I wouldn’t have survived without my Mum, Nan and my Son. Even now, fighting what I am fighting, I just don’t want anybody in the world going through this. Theres help. Once you have told one person, that weight will lift it truly will. Be inspired. Be strong and love yourself. you so deserve more. You definitely don’t deserve to be fighting a battle 10 years from now like I am. I hate myself for not reaching out earlier. We all have only one life and I’ve wasted a lot of my 34 years in an emotional mess. Don’ t be me.

Love and Light

J

Why Am I Here??

This is the post excerpt.

Hi There!

Well this is all new to me! My Psychologist suggested I should keep a blog… She said with everything that I’ve been through I may get support from other people in similar situations to myself. I am sceptical, however, she thinks its hilarious that I deal with things (after a ‘facade’) with ‘sunshine humour’…. sure she says that to all her patients but hey ho. Lets see if this works!

I have been trying to think of words to describe myself…. seriously.. I even did a spider graph, it just ended up being a page full of colourful doodles. I didn’t succeed, I feel, as words like crazy, mental and loopy all came to mind and with these posts being mainly about my battle with mental health I didn’t think that they were the correct words to use.  I’m a nice person who doesn’t like to offend, love and light and all that jazz. So I thought I’d write a brief few bits about what has effected my life and what I’m up to now.

I am 34 years old. I know. I act like I’m still 18. Apart from the drinking bits, can’t handle the hangovers nowadays. I still think back now, about being that age and getting in at 5am and getting up for work at 6 and actually being functional and coherent. (whether that was in my mind and not viewed that way by others I’m not sure) I mean when did I ever fit in the dreaded ‘hangover poo’?? anyway I digress…

So 34. Live in a cottage with my husband (who is sickingly absolutely fantastic) my son, who’s 12 going on 20, his current obsession is to have a vape, I don’t know if I’m happy he came home and asked me for one (disgusting, however ‘all of his friends have one’ who even are these parents?!) anyway the conversation went from vaping, to CBD oil to what classes different drugs fall into. I did some A class parenting and showed him some pictures of junkies. Probably not the best way to handle that situation but he walked off saying ‘no’ he was ‘never EVER doing drugs EVER!!’ I had a small ‘Nailed it’ moment and considered the way this would be judged by others for a brief moment…. fuck it I thought. I live with my 3 dogs, 2 guinea pigs and tortoise. I currently am hand rearing 3 rescue puppies which equates into not much sleep. I genuinely look like a character from the walking dead crossed with a very fluffy hamster. I run a boarding and rescue centre for dogs with my mother in law. I look after my friends 3yr old little girl 2 days a week. I am a reiki practitioner. I’m studying to be a dog behaviorist (although no study has been done in the last few months. awful i am) and a dog groomer. and I’m currently registering the rescue as ‘charity registered’ which is all-consuming for some crazy reason, todays not a ‘good’ day for me, I started reading the legalities for the commission and it went one ear and out the other so that went in the fuck it pile and I went to bed. So that’s where life is at the moment. I’ll post more details about the above at another time.

So this is where we get down to the nitty gritty.  The past. Before I start if the word ‘muslim’ offends you, you are a douche and I’m sorry, you don’t need to read anymore, however what I say is relevant to what has happened to me and still controls my life to a certain degree now.

When I was 16 and started college I met a muslim boy and fell head over heels in love (definitely not love but I thought it was at the time, his friends called him ‘Romeo’ ffs, should of known better them) he consumed and controlled my life with varying degrees of violence and mental abuse for 11 years. When his parents found out he was with me the sent him to Pakistan and got him married, he was 16 years old. (This was a whole other shit storm which I’ll write about later) We had my son together when I was 21. We had 3 houses that we rented out. My plan was to retire when I was 45. it was ‘the dream’ if you like. Well he shit on that and walked away smelling of roses. I was left virtually bankrupt with a 4 year old and no roof over my head (Que the violins here) Luckily my mum is amazing and took us into her house like the awesome trooper she is (HURRAH!) Now because I am wonderful (!) I allowed him access to my son and he sees him regularly as clockwork, so I can’t actually fault his parenting….. Well yes I could he’s a complete c**t (nasty word reserved for special occasions that one) So there you go! my troubles in one paragraph!

Obviously there is a lot more going on in the above to cause the issues I have but I will snippet that out in the future, obviously if there is anything you would like to hear more about then let me know and I would prioritise that way. I don’t want to sit and raise every demon straight away, reader you would be miserable as sin and so would I.

I suffered bouts of depression after he had left on and off for years. Then December ’16 shit officially hit the fan. I was having nightmares about things that had happened that I had never dealt with and had compartmentalised in my brain, its like my brains letting things leak out now, ‘hey deal with this tonight bitch!’ this involves full on panic attacks in my sleep, when I am out they can happen (great story of how I made a complete cock womble of myself at a wedding on the weekend) my anxiety is through the roof, I’m exhausted all the time, i don’t want to see people, I can’t work currently. It’s certainly a pickle. I was diagnosed with a nervous breakdown… sorry ’emotional breakdown’ I think is the correct term, a cocktail of drugs (In a non party way haha) and PTSD.

That in short-ish is what I am dealing with. I hope by writing about this I can voice myself and be heard and maybe even offer support and be supported, we all know typing on a keyboard is a million times easier than talking to someones face.

Love and Light

J