Life is so busy now for everybody, we work, we eat, we sleep, we occasionally have fun. I think that the pressure of the modern world makes more and more people suffer with depression, anxiety, ptsd, suicide etc.. We need more time to relax and actually enjoy ourselves, we do after all only have one life to live.
If you’ve suffered with depression on a serious level chances are you have at some point thought about taking your own life. You have probably picked the song that you want to fall into that blissful sleep too where all the worries in life will disappear. Myself, I’d chosen Johnny Cash’s Hurt…. I had thought about how peaceful I would be without all my worries and without my mind whirling 24 hours a day, no more panicking about being in social situations, meeting new people, having to think about everyone else except myself (selfish I know)… Then the realisation of how fucked up this would be hit me…. knowing my luck I wouldn’t pop it before the song had finished, the music would shuffle and I’d end up dying to something like the Venga Bus… No one needs that.
If you’ve been there and are still here, you will know that the sun does shine after the dark nasty storm. It’s like you need to sail a boat through a stormy sea to see that it does pass, eventually, it’s not pleasant but you can get there. I found that after these feelings I needed something to make me hold on, when these feelings wash over, I focus on this one thing, my boy, and I think about him constantly for the whole of the period. Sometimes when things in my mind get too much, I can loose track, however, the boy is always there.
There are days when I’m shit, I’m sure you get them too, I don’t want to get out of bed and just want to sleep and cry it out. For no reason. I turn into this girl that I aren’t even sure is me, hell I’m not even sure I like her at all!! The psychologist keeps telling me it’s because I shut everything out, I don’t deal with stuff. I do however, try! I go and I talk about what they want me to talk about and I leave and feel the same as I did before. I don’t want too! I feel frustrated that after nearly 5 months of therapy I still don’t feel like I’m getting there. I’m sure my thinking like that doesn’t help me or my situation at all.. when the anxiety kicks in.
In my session yesterday I was asked to describe how the anxiety feels. I spent a lot of time sat there trying to put into words how I felt. How do you even begin to describe to someone how you feel? Especially when you aren’t sure how you feel yourself?? I was told that I need to think of an object or something that I can relate to the anxiety.
I thought of a tree, I thought a tree was a good thing to go for as it’s alive! It changes throughout the year, leaves colours changing and then falling off, but always stands resilient whatever the weather. That’s when I was interrupted and told not to describe what I want to be but what I am. So obviously at this point I am stuck with the image of the tree in my head. Gah.
Right, I decided, I am a tree with pine cones, my anxiety, and yours too, potentially is a pine cone.
We are the tree, we grow and we change throughout the year. Situations occur, change our paths and potentially lead to us having the dreaded anxiety. This anxiety forms as the pine cone on the tree. The worse it gets the bigger the cone grows before it gets too much for us to handle and then it falls. When it’s landed it takes on our worries and stresses and changes with how we feel. We wake up feeling confident, so the cone opens up, like the sun is shining on it, we attend a new situation, feel nervous, so it starts to close, then when we are overwhelmed it shuts up tight. Until we are back in the safety net of our lives. Then it goes further! I think we do subconsciously, or even consciously know that how we feel affects the people around us. People who we know care, but we push away. When the cone opens up it spreads its seeds, like us un intentionally spreading worry among our loved ones.
This little thing from my session made me feel like I’d found a little secret of how to describe how the anxiety feels. I thought I’d share it with you 🙂
Love and Light